fountains.

You know that thing? That thing that whenever somebody mentions it, your heart beats just a little bit faster and you become extremely silent? Your cheeks flush ever so slightly. You're trying to think of something to change the conversation to. Any topic. Pie, school, work, Earth Day, clowns... no.. not clowns, nobody likes them. You are avoiding eye contact and are praying that they'll just move on... move on so that you can keep it as your little secret just a moment longer. You start to feel sick.

You'll even lie to avoid coming anywhere near the topic. Suddenly you have to go to the bathroom or ask a question about your friend's cat.

You know it? I'm pretty sure you do.

It's shame.

To be honest, I never thought of myself as someone who held a lot of shame in her life. I led a relatively tame high school and college life (thus far... dundundun! jk.), and tend to be a pretty responsible, mature woman.

But. I. Have. Shame.

And it's about time that I let go of it. I know I'm not fully there yet. I am absolutely CERTAIN that I'm not fully there yet. There isn't really even a "there" because we are always growing. Being in The Great Divorce opened my eyes to this, and lately I've had this vision of there being a fountain ahead of me that I'm trying to reach. I long to jump into it. But I'm a bit scared. I think I may have dipped my hand in the water a couple of times. Perhaps I got distracted by the coins on the bottom and didn't give myself fully to the power and refreshment of this fountain. I am willing to now. I have been singing the words to this song for ages and now really understanding them:

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come
Holy Spirit come


Even so, I keep praying for a stronger image. One that feels REAL.

The other night I was in Fort Langley and it started POURING! I was talking to one of my best friends about shame and how dirty I feel at times. I feel like there's a coating of filth that I cannot scrub off. It's like I've tried every body scrub -- from The Body Shop, cheap ones from Walmart, organic stuff from Vancouver Island, even some intense bathroom cleaner. But when I finish one arm, there's a spot on my leg. Then on my back. I can't even get to my heart to start scrubbing. It seems so far away.

But this rain. The two of us were in the parking lot and it just kept raining and raining and I know it was God sending a rain to say

"THIS IS MY GRACE. IT IS HERE FOR YOU EVERY SINGLE MORNING. MAKE A CHOICE, JULIE. ACCEPT IT. EVERY DAY. EVERY MORNING. BE REFRESHED AND WASHED CLEAN."

God's rains of grace and forgiveness are so much better than the most expensive body scrub. Whatever your body scrub may be -- maybe it's alcohol, anger, maybe it's lying to avoid talking about it, maybe it's layers of guilt that you punish yourself with.

Do not be afraid to ask for that rain. In fact, God commands us to call out to Him! And he doesn't ignore you when you do. Sometimes it takes time, but he is your Heavenly Father! His great desire is for you to call out to him so that he can rain rain rain all over you. Every day. The shame is optional. Stop punishing yourself, put down your umbrella, and get drenched.


Also, here's a clip of a woman falling into a fountain in a mall, just for fun :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPW8xmI4w6U