pity party pinatas and pride

So the thing is, I've been having myself a pity party. But instead of buying hats and balloons, I complained about how I couldn't afford them, and put up a couple of streamers. and then I forced my invitations on everybody else and made them participate, even though they didn't even RSVP. No pinatas. No prizes. No cake. We played one game. and in it I cried and was bitter and hurt, and nobody to win but me. I won because I was the most bitter. Pin the bitter on the Julie.

What an awful party.

I went to church yesterday and was devastated because the sermon was on LIVING for real and not just existing. I've been just existing lately. And yet, I just came out of the sermon thinking "I know! I know I'm doing this. I don't need to be told it's happening. I just don't know how to get out of this rut!" And so I thought, great, there is no way.

Then I went to chapel today and was told I need to give thanks. Realize what I have. What I have to offer. The people in my life. I came home and loved on my roommates a bit for once. I avoided reading my homework and sang hymns with my new guitar (Georgia, she's a Seagull) for about 4 hours. And prayed. and thought.

Here's where I'm at:
I'm tired of my bitter pity party.
but I'm scared.
I'm kind of lonely. I want to be the one to someone. Quite honestly. That's embarrassing to say, you know.
I'd like it to be my turn for once. a real turn this time.
I don't believe in myself like I should.
I know I'm fun.
But I'm also tired of being the not-as-funny one. I'd like to be the fun one for once.
I'm just so ready for it to be my turn in so many things in life right now...
and having trouble realizing how good I've got it. and how great I am.
I'm pretty great.

and now I feel awkward for writing that.

I'm ready to have a retreat. Just me and God. I need to hear God's love. so badly right now. Not going to lie about that. As much as I'm done this party, I'm kind of stuck at it. I know God's willing to get me out of it and is inviting me to a way cooler party, but it's hard. and I could totally use prayer for this. Being bitter is draining.